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Religious Parodies

Russell’s Teapot

If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to dis¬prove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.

Bertrand Russell from “Is There a God?”
-Commissioned, but never published, by Illustrated magazine in 1952

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

“I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.”

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (or FSM) is the deity of the parody religion the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Pastafarianism. It was created in 2005 by Bobby Henderson as a satirical protest to the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution in public schools. According to Henderson, since the intelligent design movement uses ambiguous references to an unspecified “Intelligent Designer”, this leaves open any conceivable entity to fulfill that role, even a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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posted by admin in Religion and have No Comments

Arose By Any Other Name: Part Two - The Rise of the Christian Right

By Heatscore

The Christian Right is an incredibly powerful force in American politics – and one that those in the secular camp ignore at their own peril. The modern day American evangelical community is the product of more than three decades of tireless organizational efforts married to two thousand years of populist ignorance; it is a terrifyingly well-oiled machine that can claim virtually unlimited funding, powerful corporate media sympathizers and a volunteer army numbering in the tens of millions as their chief assets.

In the wake of the sheer power they currently wield, it is a joke for us on the left to talk about any sort of transformative American revolution that does not concede that they would play – as present – a guiding role in the social transformation that would follow.

As it stands, they are the only political demographic with the numbers and the political influence to feasibly overthrow the American government and replace it with a political system of their choosing – and there are certainly elements on the movement’s fringes who openly advocate doing just that.

So how did they get so powerful? And is there anything that can stop them?

The Christian Right has its roots in the Deep South, whose tightly-knit religious congregations are a byproduct of the population’s history of frontier expansionism. When American settlers first left the established colonies of New England to populate the more recently conquered territories to the nation’s south and west, a lack of historical connection to their new communities found itself manifested in a cultural vacuum – one that was hastily filled by the Church.

In the decades that followed the Civil War, Americans who had fought on the side of the Confederacy remained disillusioned with federal politics in general and the Republican Party in particular. The Republicans were, back then, still remembered as the party of Abraham Lincoln and were largely associated with northern banking and industrial interests.

Up until the 1960’s, the southern Christian community was largely apolitical. When they did vote, it was generally for pro-segregationist Democrats of the Jim Crow variety. The South was – and still is, to a lesser extent – a bastion of racism and conservative values.

It wasn’t until the desegregationist measures enacted as part of Lyndon Johnson’s “Great Society” reforms – freedoms earned by the blood and sweat of those involved in the Civil Rights movement – that the Republicans began to gain ground in the country’s south. Despite losing most of the southern states to LBJ, the campaign of Barry Goldwater demonstrated to conservative Republicans that it was possible to win over white southern voters by appealing to their racist fears of black liberation. This strategy was improved upon during the subsequent campaigns of Richard Nixon – and the south has been solidly Republican (with several notable exceptions) ever since.

Having accomplished what once seemed impossible, the Republicans turned their attention to maintaining their newly established gains. Unfortunately for them, no amount of political brinksmanship could save them from the Watergate scandal, which ultimately drove them from power in 1976.

It was during the subsequent four years that the seeds of the modern day Christian Right were sown. If one were to at¬tempt to pinpoint the exact moment that the movement was “born”, it would likely be the creation of Jerry Falwell’s Moral Majority, in 1979, whose fiery denunciations of perceived social and moral decline sought to galvanize the country’s Christian rank and file into a potent force for political change. In any case, the long dormant power of the American Christian community was revealed in 1980, when Ronald Reagan was swept into office on a wave of ballots cast by first-time Christian voters.

While Moral Majority perhaps best epitomized the character of the new wave of Christian Right organizations that sprung up during this time period (several other prominent organizations included Pat Robertson’s Christian Coalition and James Dobson’s Focus on the Family) behind the scenes a new epicen¬ter soon emerged – one aimed exclusively at permanently binding America’s Christian congregations to the pro-corporate policies of the Republican Party.

The Council for National Policy (CNP) was founded in 1981 by Tim LaHaye (co-author of the best-selling Left Behind series, which frame America’s invasion of Iraq as a necessary precursor to the second coming of Christ) with the help of a large donation from conservative philanthropist Joseph Coors, of the powerful Coors beer dynasty. Touted as a “counterweight against liberal domination of the American agenda”, the CNP membership roster is a veritable who’s-who of the American conservative establishment, including prominent members of the country’s religious and business communities. As evidence of the group’s far-reaching clout, Source¬Watch points to a May 9, 2006, meet¬ing “whose speakers included NRA President Sandra Froman, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff, Heritage Foundation president Edwin Fuelner Jr., Phyllis Schlafly, Grover Norquist, [former UN] Ambassador John Bolton, Oliver North and Robert Bork.” George W. Bush reportedly won the backing of the Christian Right by promising the CNP in a 1999 speech that he would only appoint pro-life judges to the Supreme Court. In 2008, Republican candidate John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his running mate largely to placate the CNP, whose members had up until then considered withholding their support, so disdainful were they of his apparent lack of commitment to “Christian values.”

Details of their meetings are sketchy and hard to come by, as the group goes to great lengths to avoid public scrutiny. A leaked memorandum printed in the New York Times distributed to attendees of a CNP meeting states unequivocally: “The media should not know when or where we meet or who takes part in our programs, before or after a meeting.”

The CNP has assumed the mantle of strengthening and maintaining the Christian Right in America - and the explosive growth of the movement’s influence over the past three decades shows that they have succeeded wildly. The CNP works by actively promoting so-called “wedge issues” - such as gay marriage or Roe v Wade - to agitate voters into electing Republican candidates whom they themselves have vetted. Once in office, these candidates are then free to push for corporate tax-cuts and increases in military spending. The strategy has succeeded in breeding a rabid new electoral demographic who vote solely for the furthering of the conservative Christian agenda - at the expense of any considerations to foreign policy, the economy, declining civil rights or the environment. It goes a long way towards explaining why millions of Americans are currently more concerned with evolution being taught in their children’s schools than they are of the fact that their children’s schools are woefully underfunded and a shocking number of their children graduate from high school as functional illiterates.

As part one of this series set out to explain, the rank-and-file of the American Christian Right possess many of the characteristics of a traditional fascist movement. Their self-perceived role as victims in an ongoing “culture war” (a “war” in which they feel themselves “under attack” by the decadent immorality of liberal democracy) combined with a strong hierarchical system of control and growing ties within the American military establishment would make them ideal storm troopers if and when the country’s corporate elite decide to throw their weight behind a fascist coup.

So what can be done to stop this from happening?

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to solving the problems posed by the Christian Right. A coherent strategy on countering their influence would re¬quire its own book – or in any case, far more space than the two pages of this article provide. That being said, here are some ideas that could perhaps serve as a possible starting point.

First, moderate American Christians need to speak up. While most conservative Christians baulk at being lectured on morality by “godless atheists”, they are far more likely to listen to a fellow believer patiently explain that the message of Jesus was one of love and mutual respect – not of hate and intolerance. This has been an effective strategy in the Muslim world, where prominent clerics have used theological arguments to successfully discredit the message of Islamic fundamental¬ism (in countries that the US is not currently bombing or occupying, that is). The same strategy could be used in the United States against Christian fundamentalism, with the caveat that in the Muslim world the ruling class is generally opposed to fundamentalists, whereas in the US the two groups are mutually supportive.

Second, America’s atheists need to get organized. Christianity is appealing because it offers a sense of communal identity to its followers. It is important that the secular left strives to find a suitable counterpart – while avoiding the pitfalls of internal hierarchy and moral absolutism that are the hallmarks of religion. This does not mean they should avoid all religious tactics, some of which have intrinsic merit - meeting once a week, for instance, or providing free services to the poor. Atheists are (rightly) perceived as generally being more individualistic and materialistic than our Christian counterparts. If there is any hope of rolling back the increasing power of the Christian Right, this must change… and soon - before it’s too late!

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posted by admin in Politics, Religion, Repression and have No Comments

Two Things We Should Talk About

By Edward Pugliese

We’re always told to avoid talking about two things; two things that ultimately run our lives–politics and religion. From a very young age, most authority figures will discourage discussion of these topics. It seems a little paradoxical that most politicians and, generally, the public in North America and other “Western” nations were and are raised under Judeo-Christian morals - or more specifically, the fact that the latter cannot exist without the former. After all, politicians, Supreme court Justices, etc., are still sworn in under God and the Gospel.

Although not as prevalent in Canada and other modern, industrial “Liberal-capitalist” countries, the Christian Conservative Coalition’s grip is choking the Congress and Senate of the United States. Politicians of the most recent and still living empire, the US, make charges of cynicism if we do not have faith in a totally speculative and unfree market. This exploitative and obscure side of the invisible hand is, of course, in order to repent our sins for salvation from the Lord and Saviour of Man, Jesus Christ…and let us not forget his father. Work (the component of labour) and capital are inextricably linked, and work remains the one detached human means of blind repentance (along with love).

About six thousand years ago: after Beelzebub - God’s utmost befallen angel - was cast into a fiery inferno with Lucifer, Belial, Moloch, Chemos and all the minions, Beelzebub convinced Satan to speak with the rebel army and they agreed to an evil scheme to destroy God’s most perfect creation: man (and woman, underneath him, of course.) God created a place, where he could hide his perfect creations from Beelzebub et al., in seven days (Earth) - not to mention he also created the entire Universe and everything in it; He did not need such temporal dribble as mathematics, molecular/ chemical reactions or knowledge of DNA/ the human genome and metabolic processes.

On the first day, there was light, and then on the following six, everything else: all matter that has ever existed and that will ever exist in our universe; among these things, of course, was his perfect creation, Adam (and Eve). God knew that he must hide his creation from Beelzebub, because the only thing that he could do to piss God off would be to corrupt his perfect creation.

Meanwhile, Satan was busy travelling our entire Universe with his minions, searching for Adam and Eve. God, being omnipotent and contradictorily benevolent*, knew that Satan would find Adam and our helpless Eve and successfully tempt her with empty flattery and vanity. So, he gave his only begotten son, Jesus, to cleanse Humanity for Eve’s cardinal sin (not Adam’s), but on the one condition that in order to be saved, every human must have faith in Jesus Christ. He, who died on the cross (we’ll blame the Jews for that one, even though Jesus had to inevitably die and was sent to Earth for this purpose, i.e. in order for humans to have faith in a martyr for truth.)

Humans must repent because Adam allowed Eve to wander off so she could complete a task, which would please God and make a technically already fallen land a better place. But, Satan found Eve, after hiding from God in a remote place in the Garden. Hmmm…thought nothing could hide from God’s omniscient view? Well, Satan disguised as a snake will fool Him.

The serpent convinced Eve to bite a forbidden apple and with it came all the knowledge of the Universe. Knowledge spawned Adam and Eve’s doubt and cynicism…the moral is: knowledge is bad and blind faith and ignorance are good. Humanity was sprung into an eternal state of damnation by God, unless, of course, they ac¬cept Jesus Christ as the Saviour of Man.

Humanity is still repenting and always must**.

This is, of course, only one of the many religious beliefs, which cause division and conflict intraculturally and internationally (when really the very concept of ‘god’ can be said to have developed in all cultures from the same origin: a human fear of taking full per¬sonal responsibility and the solace in thinking that there is some¬thing greater than self).

Vote based on party platform, not campaign commercials and ideology. Money should be put elsewhere, not toward egos–be a “politician” so we do not have to pay for all of this bureaucracy while thousands die daily of starvation and disease. Bureaucracy and public service are not synonymous, nor are capitalism and democracy. Stop believing it is idealistic to have a global society where no one starves and there is no incentive for crime. The in¬centive for crime is the rich and powerful. The crime that our very own “checked and balanced”*** judicial branch depends on.

Talk about where you stand politically - it governs our social, cultural, economic and technological activities and values. Maybe one day, humanity will not need religious values and cultural, social, economic and political values will form a united, stable, and most of all peaceful global system - where verticle movement is undesir¬able, and therefore power does not exist and international relation¬ships and agreements are mutual and all inclusive.

* Evil exists
** Events taken from the Book of Genesis (may be not entiirel
true, or simply entirely fictional)
***By the executive and legislative branches, of course.

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posted by admin in Religion and have No Comments

Media Review - Jesus Camp

Jesus Camp is a documentary about a camp for children who spend their summers learning and practicing their “prophetic gifts” and being taught that they can “take back America for Christ.” The filmmakers say it tries to be “an honest and impartial depiction of one faction of the evangelical Christian community”.

The film is an often unnerving picture of how beliefs are implanted in our children and one reviewer says “a revealing, unabashed look at the formation of tomorrow’s army of God.” Another reviewer writes that Jesus Camp is “an enlightening and frank look at what the force known as Evangelical America believes, preaches and teaches their children” and concludes that what the film¬makers “have accomplished here is remarkable—capturing the visceral humanity, desire and unflagging political will of a religious movement.”

Come out and see a free screening on Wednesday November 25th, 7pm @ Empowerment Infoshop – 636 Queens Ave (just east of Adelaide).

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posted by admin in Media, Religion, editorial and have No Comments

DOUCHEBAG OF THE MONTH

Iconoclast’s Douchebag of the Month is disgraced bullshit-peddler and former head of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE), Ted Haggard.

Once considered one of the most influential spokesmen of the Christian Right, “Pastor Ted’s” fall from grace was a devastating blow to the American evangelical community – and fucking hilarious for the rest of us. In 2006, after years of preaching the immorality of homosexuality and actively leading the charge against same-sex marriage, it surfaced that Haggard was in fact a closet homosexual and meth head. After being unceremoniously outed by male prostitute Mike Jones, Haggard resigned from his leadership position at the NAE and his job as the pastor of New Life Church – a sprawling Megachurch in Colorado Springs which can hold up to 14,000 Christian fanatics at a time – and went into therapy to pray the gay away.

While he was being cured of his so-called “sexual deviancy,” he had the gall to ask his supporters for cash donations to help him out financially during these “trying times”… despite the fact that he was – and continues to be – completely loaded. A year into his new life selling life insurance in Arizona, Haggard claimed that God appeared to him and told him to return to Colorado Springs to reclaim his place at the head of the church he founded. Following the release of an HBO documentary entitled “the Trials of Ted Haggard,” everything looked like it was turning around for ol’ Ted. Unfortunately for him (and God – who apparently was quite invested in his comeback), as he was making the talk-show circuit, another scandal broke when a young member of his congregation came forward claiming that Haggard had exposed himself and masturbated in front of him when the two were sharing a hotel room as part of a church-organized road trip. When asked by Larry King if there was any chance of anybody else coming forward with any new sordid accusations, Haggard humbly claimed the right to privacy.

For your tireless efforts to set new limits to personal hypocrisy - Congratulations Ted Haggard…. YOU ARE THE DOUCHEBAG OF THE MONTH!

By the way… you’re gay dude. Get over it.

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posted by admin in Douchebag of the Month, Religion, editorial and have No Comments